Over the years I have seen many “blow outs” in the families we serve in Young Life. When this is true with the father/daughter relationship, there are deep ramifications for the daughter who is wounded by the lack of a dad in her life.

Maybe the most graphic example of a relational “blow out” between a dad and a daughter is described in the text below. A friend of mine who works with high school girls sent me this short heart breaking e-mail as an example of how important the father/daughter relationship is.

From Beth:

“I’m in the process of getting to know some newer sophomore girls now. Literally one posted a picture on Instagram yesterday with mascara running down her face and flipping off the camera. Her caption said “F**k you dad! I know you hate me!” #getaway #hateyou”

Wow! What happened that could possibly elicit such a response? Does this dad really hate his daughter? Does she really hate her dad? It’s hard to imagine a father/daughter relationship blowing up so badly! How did things get so terrible?

While her recent Instagram post looks like a “blow out,” I would suggest that it is the culmination of years with a “slow leak” in their relationship. Somewhere along the way, they grew distant as the father got busy and the daughter matured. Somewhere along the line, the tire of their relationship picked up a small nail and it began to leak unnoticeably.

Things would be very different for this father/daughter right now had he seen the nail in their tire years ago. If he had only identified the leak and had it repaired, they would be rolling along in great shape today. Where are the possible nails in your tires?

Your busy schedule?

Being consumed with YOUR world and not hers?

Your travel schedule?

Being a typical guy and not vocalizing affection very well?

Stepping back when she began to mature thinking that her mother should take over?

Your inability to say “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “Please forgive me”?

Your marriage breaking apart?

My encouragement to you today is to identify the slow leak before it becomes a blowout.

Today’s take away – Look hard at your father/daughter relationship and see what things could possibly be standing in the way. Look for potential slow leaks and repair them. If you have already experienced a “blow out,” do the same thing you would do with a real blow out on your car – change the tire! A lifestyle change might be needed.

Dr. Don Worcestor Ph.D. and a contributor to this blog/website can help you “change the tire.” Look for his contact information under “site contributors” on www.myfatherdaughter.com

Repair the leak before it becomes a blow out!

Alan

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Venting

Dr. Don Worcester —  July 25, 2014 — Leave a comment

Things that get hot, need to vent. When little things get hot ( think Microprocessors in your Laptop) they need to vent.

When big things get hot ( think Planet Earth ) they also need to vent.

venting earth

Some venting is barely noticeable,
while other venting makes for great Disaster movies.
There is probably lots of venting going on in your home, Clothes dryers, fireplaces, microwaves and automobiles all come designed with venting systems to safely remove the heat, the smoke and the fumes that are part of daily living.

Dads also heat up. Being a parent, a provider and a leader puts lots of stress and strain on mortal men who are leaning in to find the insight and the energy to stay loving and faithful as husbands and fathers.
Heat is a natural by product of movement and energy. The goal is not to stop the heat but to vent it appropriately. So let me ask you a question, what does your Dad Venting System look like?

Do you build up and then blow up?
Do you withhold and withdraw?
Do you get silent and pouty?
Do you get critical and sarcastic?
Do you have a Combination System that does different things on different days?

We need to keep track of our Venting. I have recently become aware of my own bad Venting Habit. I grumble. It’s embarrassing, but it’s true. It’s a sideways form of complaining and moaning. The general public would barely notice it, but my daughters do. Grumbling is a lousy way to vent, it is a habit I want to lose!
How about you?
Paul encouraged the believers in Philippi to guard their hearts and their minds by thinking about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. Paul did lots more rejoicing and lots less grumbling than I seem to do. Just maybe, he was onto something!
The people around you probably see your Venting Habits more clearly than you do. Have you asked them lately what they see? Lets keep learning, growing and loving. Let’s work to keep the Disasters in the movie theaters and the good stuff in our homes.

Grace & Peace,
Dr. Don Worcester

We have had some great feedback on our book aimed at Dad’s with Daughters. Available in hard, soft and e-book. click below to get your copy.

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Famous Dads Write letters to their Daughters….

Time magazine asked dads to write letters to their daughters this Father’s Day.    They published some samples (like the one below) in the recent magazine (Vol 183, No 24 / 2014 p. 20) and you can find a complete posting online at http://time.com/letters-from-dad/

They are worth reading!   What a great and very simple idea and perhaps could be a fun tradition for Father’s Day, Birthdays, Holidays or an occasion to give you an excuse to put your thoughts into words.

I will guarantee you this …… those girls are saving these letters in a special place.

Dads- your kids value your words….. A LOT!   Don’t assume your kids know how you feel about them.

Excerpt from Carson Day below to his daughter Etta:

daly

Dear Etta Spaghetta,

After raising a son for three years, I was terrified of having a daughter. Then you were born, and I’ve watched you grow into a nearly two-year-old toddler… and I’m still terrified! At such a young age, I can already tell that you will have no problem figuring out what it is you want from this life and making sure you get it. While for now that means I say “NO Etta” multiple times a day, I know as you get older those words will translate into cheers of praise from your proud Pops. And even though your strong, ferocious spirit will send you soaring, I will always be here to catch you if you fall. So here is some advice from your old man: be honest, be kind, strive for a life of balance and it’s okay if you get a tattoo WHERE I CAN SEE IT.

With love,
Your terrified (but not-too-terrified so stay away boys) dad.

Daly is host and producer of NBC’s hit series ‘The Voice,’ returning this fall for a seventh season, and co-host of NBC’s TODAY show. He also hosts a morning radio program on 97.1 AMP FM.

 

Thanks for leaning in,

Kristy

 

10 Rules for DAD’S

Alan Smyth —  July 21, 2014 — 1 Comment

If you have been following this blog for a while, you have become familiar with the now, world famous, “10 Rules for Dating my Daughter” T-shirt.  We literally had interest in this shirt from over 48 countries. Apparently the idea of a Dad protecting his daughter and laying down some rules is not just an “American” cultural thing. If you have thus far missed all the hub-bub, click this link to see the blog post that went round the world and stirred an interest.

Rules Group

shirt

In light of my publishing the “10 Rules for Dating my Daughter”, a friend forwarded to me the “10 Rules for Dads of Daughters.” Tony Dungy, Super Bowl winning football coach and strong Christian man gives much of his time to social & family issues. He has an effort called “All Pro Dad” which I recommend you looking at.

He recently published the “10 Rules for Dads of Daughters”

  1. Love her mom – Treat her mother with respect, honor and PDA.
  2. Always be there – Quality time doesn’t happen without Quantity time.
  3. Pray for her
  4. Dance with her – Don’t wait for her wedding day.
  5. Tell her she’s beautiful – Say it over and over again.
  6. She’s a butterfly – She too will spread her wings and fly someday.
  7. Write her a hand written letter – Every year on her birthday.
  8. Give her the gift of experiences – fishing, fixing things, taking her places etc.
  9. Never miss a birthday – She won’t remember the presents you give her.
  10. Don’t be late – She will eagerly await your return home from work.

That’s a pretty good list. I wonder how you are doing against that list? Why don’t you circle a couple of those right now and make sure to DO them this coming week. Even better would be to show this list to a friend and hold each other accountable for your intentional actions. Seems like if we just “let things happen,” some of the really important things get squeezed out by the really urgent things.

I know you would agree that your daughter is “really important.” Please don’t let the urgent issues at work or life take over. Start working down the list TODAY.

Press on

Alan Smyth

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I just don’t understand! This is often a thought that leads to Passive behavior.

“Not understanding” is an almost airtight excuse for “Not acting.”

Who can blame someone for doing nothing, when they ” don’t understand?”

Ignorance after all does have some perks, it often functions as a

“get out of jail free card” in the game of Life. All of this is tied

to our belief that we cannot act on that which we do not fully

understand. It seems reasonable and rational to order things this

way. But, what if we don’t have to fully understand to take action?

What if there are some things we will only understand after we take action?

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Jana Reiss, in her book Flunking Sainthood discusses a passage of Old Testament scripture taken from Exodus chapter 24.

Moses is getting ready to read the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel.

There is a curious line in verse 7 where the people respond by saying

“ All that God has spoken we will do and we will hear.”

It seems a little backwards. The doing (to act on something) comes before

the hearing  (to understand something). This backward sounding statement suggest an important truth,

sometimes, Action precedes Understanding.

 

Only by Acting on the words God has spoken,

can we come to truly hear and understand the truth of those words in our lives.

We must Practice the truth before we fully Understand it.

We will never understand forgiveness by reading books on forgiveness,

but if you ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness you will come to understand

the cost, the depth, the power, and the beauty that is all part of forgiving.

The most important and foundational things in our lives (grace, love, marriage, faith and parenting)

all require a Leap of Action to fully understand and appreciate.

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So are you lounging or are you leaping as a dad?

If your teenage daughter tells you that, ”you just don’t understand!”

You should probably agree with her, most likely she is right.

But please know that your presence is more important than your understanding.

Do your very best to understand, but do not go away, shutdown, or go passive

because you cannot figure out or sort out all that is going on in her

head and her heart. Tell you that you don’t understand,

tell her that you are not sure how to help,

and then tell her that nothing she ever says or does will drive you out of her life.

Tell her that she is stuck with your awkward, fumbling and stumbling,

not really understanding efforts to know her and love you.

Good dads do not always understand, good dads just refuse to quit when they don’t.

Real love is stubborn it never gives up. Let’s bring the real stuff to our families and to our daughters this week.

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Don Worcester

 

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Colbie Caillat is a name almost every adolescent girl would know.   She is a popular singer and well liked.  She recently came out with a video that is a great video to show any woman!  Watch the below video……

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try this link if the video does not play :  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

“When I shot the first scene with no hair and makeup on in front of an HD camera in my face, flashed with bright lights, everyone was watching,” she told Elle. “I thought, ‘Oh my god, I bet they’re all looking at my blemishes, thinking that I should cover them up, or that I should put some volume in my hair.’ But it also felt really cool to be on camera with zero on, like literally nothing on. And then when it got to the full hair and makeup, I actually felt gross. I was just so caked on.”  (Huffington Post)

In a world full of photoshop pictures, surgeries and make-up this is a great reminder and encouragement for the girls and women in our lives to be comfortable with who they are, as they are.

Pass this along,

Kristy Fox

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